Parenting the adolescent can be a formidable task but it is not one that we, as parents and guardians need to do alone. Although it is challenging, it can and must be enjoyable and it certainly is rewarding in the long run, when our adolescents move onto the next stage of their development and become young adults capable of contributing to the society of which they are a major part.

Family issues literally include every challenge, discussion, subject, activity, difficulty and success that confronts each member of the family and the family as a whole throughout its life span. These run the gamut from courting, marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, child care, adoption, parenting, step-parenting, care giving, dealing with illnesses, runaways, issues at school, children leaving home, graduations, celebrations, abuse, domestic violence, disabilities, separation, divorce, Alzheimer’s, grief and loss, end of life issues and even more. Each of the above can be broken down further into even smaller pieces, having its own specific areas needing to be addressed.

Despite the fact that families exist in several different forms, they perform certain basic functions and child-rearing is perhaps the most basic and important of them all. Let us look at the issue of ‘Parenting’ and to be even more precise, ‘Parenting the Adolescent.’

Almost daily parenting the adolescent presents more of a challenge, as parents are faced with the task of guiding their young people from childhood to young adulthood in times that seem to be fraught with pitfalls. Parenting children of any age is challenging but if we accept that it is a role that must be carried out and is one that is an essential aspect of our own development as adults, then it is and must be a task into which we put our best and that we can enjoy in the process.

Much has been written about this period of development, the teenage years between 12 and 19, when physiologically, psychologically, emotionally and environmentally so much changes in and around us. More often than not this period is associated with problems, confrontations, delinquency, anti-social behaviour, teenage pregnancies and other negatives.

Some of us do not look forward to having to parent teenagers as we hear and listen to the horror stories that abound in the media and even in our own social circles. It perhaps is not very surprising then that getting through this period generally is a struggle for both the young person and those with whom he/she must interact closely and on a regular basis. However, it need not necessarily be so if we, parents, teachers and adults understand and acknowledge adolescence as a developmental period of great but manageable change.

During adolescence, young people develop a new sense of autonomy which requires that they begin to move away from their parents in a psychological, as well as physical sense. They feel the need for less supervision and reduced levels of instruction and this changes the nature of the relationship that they have held with their parents. They spend more time with their peers who share similar interests and beliefs and provide the emotional support which previously was found in their parents. The adolescent’s sometimes dramatic physical growth also tends to push parents into conflict situations with him/her, as parents feel threatened by a loss of control.

Among the most famous of writers on ‘Adolescence’ has been the European ego-psychologist, Erik Erikson (1902–1994) who, expanding on the work of Sigmund Freud, introduced the eight stages of development from birth to death.

Erikson emphasized that the successful completion of each stage of development depended to a considerable extent on how well the individual had dealt with the issues of the previous stages. Like with building blocks, a firm foundation supports and strengthens the structure. If each stage is managed well i.e. if the individual has been able to accomplish the developmental tasks associated with that stage, has learnt acceptable methods of coping with issues and challenges and has not compromised his growth, he acquires psychosocial strength which equips him for dealing with the issues of the next stage of development.

At each stage of development the child attempts to assert some further degree of independence e.g. your toddler knowingly tested your limits to see how far he would be allowed to go and as he grew older you trusted him to go a little farther. The same holds for the adolescent who has to be allowed to enjoy very much more of our trust. This calls for great effort on our part, as we must let him/her go beyond the limits of our vision.

Bearing this in mind, one can then understand that parenting an adolescent does not begin when he/she approaches a thirteenth birthday. Preparation for parenting the adolescent began when he/she was a baby and continued through childhood to this stage.

The success of the relationship that the parent builds with the child as he/she moves from babyhood through childhood will contribute to the successful outcome of this period of his/her adolescence. The skills and techniques that the parent has been practising for the past twelve plus years are the same ones that will continue to be of use with some adaptations, as the parent accompanies the adolescent towards young adulthood.

Freud maintained that parents influenced their children’s development but Erikson went further to state that children also influenced their parents’ lives. As the adolescent develops so too does the parent, as each is affected by the interaction and exchange of emotions and experiences.

In Trinidad and Tobago, our statistics show that there are over 250,000 young people between the ages of 10 and 19 years (Central Statistical Office). Of that number approximately 300 are in correctional institutions, 1,229 are in children’s homes and an estimated 100 are homeless street children. From these figures we can deduce that a significant number of our adolescents are indeed growing up in homes with families.

Most parents perform the job of parenting to the best of their abilities. They really try to do the best that they can and are usually successful at what they do. Parenting, like many other activities we carry out, is an example of learned behaviour. Much of what we do or do not do as parents has been gleaned from the way in which we were parented as children. I am sure there have been instances when you have made a statement, often categorically and heard yourself sound exactly like one of your parents. This is all the more reason for us to be aware of the behaviour we model for our children. As models, our words and actions reveal our beliefs, values and attitudes to those around us. No longer can the “do as I say and not as I do” maxim hold as it did when they were younger.

We need to live the behaviour we want from our adolescents e.g. if we want them to respect us as adults then we must show that we respect them. We must try to see issues from their point of view and find ways of letting them down easily, even as our experiences allow us to predict the outcome of their actions.

The adolescent questions and begins to set his/her own moral code which tends to resemble much more closely that of his/her peers. We need therefore to ensure that the adolescent is informed of and understands about behaviour that is risky despite our discomfort at discussing topics of sex and drug and alcohol use.

As parents we often feel threatened by the adolescent who does not conform to our expectations or who challenges our authority and we tend to take such behaviour as a personal attack and blame ourselves, in anticipation of losing our children. This type of behaviour is a normal part of the process of becoming an adult and it should not be assumed that this is a reflection on our poor parenting skills. We are afraid of this ‘rebellion’ and see it as the first step in our young person’s decline into delinquency and all that that entails.

Gary Direnfeld a Canadian social worker, in his book “Raising Kids without Raising Cain” (1993), states that parents should consider changing their style of parenting when dealing with adolescents. They should think about moving from being in control as the boss to becoming the consultant. Parents should stop giving orders, which they expect to be carried out literally and make themselves more available for conversation and communication with their teenagers. That there must be rules by which both parents and adolescents operate is a given but the adolescent should be involved in setting these rules, which ought to be negotiable. Consequences to breaking the rules should also be set and these consequences adhered to consistently.

This consistency of application provides boundaries and helps the adolescent feel secure, knowing what to expect in reaction from the parent. This allows him/her to begin assuming responsibility for his/her behaviour—one more step in having him/her move towards becoming an independent young adult.

How often have we heard one of a group of girls say, “My mother will kill me if she thought I was doing such and such a thing”? While we can almost be assured that murder will not really be committed, we see the young person demonstrating an awareness of limits and parental expectations, which helps the development of that sense of responsibility.

As parents we need to remember what it was like for us when we were adolescents. What did we want more of from our parents? What did we have too much of from them? There is every possibility that the adolescent, even as he/she rebels and pushes the parent away resenting the intrusion, would really like the parent to be more accepting, to listen to his/her point of view, to try to understand, to guide him/her to make sensible decisions and to problem-solve. In this period of experimenting he/she will want to be treated with respect, not suspicion, be complimented not accused and criticized.

In a study conducted by the Commonwealth Department of Family and Community Services in Australia in 1999, young people, their parents and professional service providers were asked their views on a positive parenting relationship. They all emphasized the importance of communicating with and listening to the adolescent.

Parents and adolescents admitted that it was important that the parents knew their children’s friends. They also wanted to spend more time with each other and the adolescents wanted time to try out some of the advice that the parents gave to them, to practise becoming independent. Five years later similar sentiments were expressed by adolescents in the United States, in a 2004 focus group study of growth-promoting relationships between youth and adults, reported in Families and Society: the Journal of Contemporary Social Sciences.

Parents should:

1. acknowledge that this is a difficult, confusing and frightening time for the adolescent and that he/she is not just being deliberately perverse and difficult; convey unconditional love i.e. as difficult as it might be, we should try to avoid confrontation, as confrontation only pushes the young person further away towards the behaviour that places him/her at risk; accept that this experience is also part of our own development and passage on to the next stage;
   
   
2. continue to offer and reinforce age-appropriate clear, simple rules and supervision; convey the importance of our knowing where the adolescent might be when away from home or when he/she will not be able to get home on time; our doing the same on occasion is another example of behaviour we want them to model;
   
   
3. set limits and be firm - adolescents need parents and guardians who provide structure to their lives, as this ensures their physical as well as their psychological well-being; they will always be able to provide examples of other young people they know whose parents allow them a great deal more freedom of movement - do not be intimated;
   
   
4. listen to what the young person has to say, giving undivided attention and showing interest by asking relevant questions; talk with him/her and let any advice given be solicited - in other words, try not to lecture;
   
   
5. give the adolescent the opportunity to express his/her views. Article #12 of the Convention on the Rights of the Child advocates that the views of children old enough to express them should be considered. Family discussion time is safe and opportune for him/her to practise airing his/her views but some private time should be allowed as well. This provides the adolescent with the opportunity to learn to think critically, to present ideas with confidence and to problem-solve;
   
   
6. introduce him/her to other activities e.g. community youth and sports club, junior service club - the young LIONS, church group, library, as this helps build social skills and healthy peer relationships; it also gives the parent the opportunity to get to know the adolescent’s friends;
   
   
7. exercise patience - with younger children, one answers questions when they are asked regardless of how often they are asked and one devises ways of finding out when the answer is not known; it must be accepted that adolescents will make mistakes as they try out their new skills and knowledge; they will be less tolerant of themselves and will need support; they will not always be right, although they will think that they are and they will need help to work out the appropriate solutions;
   
   
8. compliment - acknowledge appropriate behaviour; recognize achievements no matter how small and celebrate events, remembering that tokens do not have to be grand and expensive; this is another way of showing that you are interested in what he/she does and that you care;
   
   
9. maintain a positive outlook and trust your teenager; he/she will not get into trouble because he/she will know what is expected of him/her and that will boost his/her self-esteem. If the parent keeps thinking that the adolescent will get into trouble, then the inevitable will happen, as the parent’s negative attitude will convey itself to the young person.

If parents consider that the relationship between them and their teenage son/daughter is deteriorating or even not developing as well as they would like it to; if they notice that the teenager is having mood swings i.e. going from being pleasant and open to snappish and belligerent and they are not sure how to manage these changes of behaviour; if the adolescent spends more time away from the rest of the family either in the house or has begun staying out late and the parents are not sure how that time is spent, they should seek help.

There are several options that are possible. These include sharing their concerns with friends who also have or have had teenagers. Sometimes all the teenager needs is another adult, other than a parent, whom he/she trusts in whom to confide and discuss issues with which he/she might be struggling. Other resources might include e.g. a priest or pastor, the nurse in the health centre, grandparents or an older person in the community.

Parenting is a community concern, as disruptive behaviour among adolescents negatively affects the communities of which they are a part. Our policy-makers are aware that parents need policies and programmes that will support them as they bring up their families.

They are aware that parents play the most important role in helping their adolescents to become competent, contributing members of society. They are aware that parenting education ought to be provided in a comprehensive manner, as many parents have not themselves had the appropriate exposure to competent parenting and will have difficulty applying those skills to their adolescents and supports have been put in place to compensate for that lack. Admittedly, much needs to be done in a more integrative manner among Ministries and departments that offer social services to the community but some efficient support already exists.

At different agencies in the community, support is available. At the National Family Services Division of the Ministry of Social Development (625-0439; 653-0991), trained social workers can provide guidance and counselling to families. At the Child Guidance Unit of the Ministry of Health at the Eric Williams Medical Sciences Complex (645-2640 ext. 3907), trained social work and psychiatric staff are also available to assess the immediacy of each need and advise accordingly. Also at the Complex, medical and counselling services are offered at the Adolescent and Child Health Clinic. The Ministry of Education, through the Student Support Services Division of the Central Guidance Unit (625-7935) provides guidance counsellors and school social workers at some secondary schools in the country.

Parents need to keep in touch with their adolescent’s form teacher, dean or school principal who will be able to refer to the school social worker when necessary. Such a show of interest can make a wealth of difference to the relationship that parents need to build with their sons and daughters.

As I said earlier, parenting is learned behaviour and we can be taught how to be better parents. Parenting radio programmes are provided by The National Family Services Division, as well as community programmes on Family Life Management which include parenting of children of all ages and life skills development for the adolescent. Creative Parenting for the New Era, a non-profit organization offers community based programmes for parents, as do other non-government organizations e.g. The Child Welfare League of Trinidad and Tobago and Families in Action among others.